SELF LOVE

I’ve spent the past twenty four years of my life taking care and loving others. I’ve tried so very hard to keep everyone happy, to never disappoint those closest to me. I’d do anything for my loved ones, and I’d put myself through anything so they would be happy and safe. But I’ve finally realized that I have been doing it at my own expense. 

When it comes to the relationships in my life, I have always put the other person first. I wanted to make them proud, always keep a smile on my face, and felt the need to prove that I was worthy of their time and love. I was so focused on proving my worthiness, that I forgot to determine if they were worthy of MY time and love. 

It’s taken me way too long to understand my worth, to see my potential, and to know that I deserve to have supportive, ambitious, caring people in my life. I allowed too many people to take up too much of my time when they shouldn’t have been in my life. I learned lessons, had my feelings hurt too many times, and lost my self worth along the way. It won’t be easy, but I’m trying to gain my self confidence back. I’m starting by changing the way I see myself, and to remember to love myself first. 

CHILDHOOD DREAMS

What was your childhood dream? For me, it was to be a teacher. Well that was my more realistic childhood dream. Of course I wanted to be a singer. I swore up and down that I would do whatever it took, I’d take as many classes as I needed, I would be a singer. I’d be famous. I’d go on tour, I’d have several albums, and everyone would want my autograph. But everyone dreamt of stuff like that, right?

Some people wanted to become famous athletes, some wanted to be astronauts or fire-fighters. But when did life knock us down and make us give up on our dreams? Or was it ever really our dream? What if our ideas of being superstars, law enforcement officers, and athletes were forced upon us because those were the first type of jobs that we ever experienced? Think about it. You saw the superstars either on TV, in the movies, on the radio, and they looked so glamourous. You saw police officers and fire-fighters everyday on the streets, or handing out sticker badges at fairs and school events. Athletes are constantly idolized for their talent on the field and on TV. What if we had been introduced to scientists, doctors, engineers at a young age? Would our dreams have changed? Where would be now as a society if we always had the goal of becoming a Nobel Peace Prize winner instead of a Grammy Award winner? Don’t take this wrong, I know it takes an incredible amount of hard work and dedication to become a Grammy Award winner, I’m not knocking any of them down. But I wonder where we’d be with research, with a way of life, if we had focused on realistic dreams?

BEING AN ADULT SUCKS (SOMETIMES)

I’ve finally realized what the hardest part about being an adult is. No, it’s not paying bills,  actually eating your vegetables, falling asleep on the couch and not magically being transported to your bed, and it’s not even the making your own doctor’s appointments part. It’s the fact that we no longer get a summer vacation. 

Growing up, you always looked forward to summertime. No school, no bed time, you got to spend all day with your friends, you could sleep in as long as you’d like. And if you were lucky, you went on a family vacation somewhere awesome! But when you’re an adult, or at least when you graduate school, it all stops. All of a sudden everyone expects you to work ALL THE TIME. Fourth of July, you’re working. Your annual neighborhood BBQ? Forget it, you have to work. Your family wants to go camping next weekend, sorry you can’t go because guess what, you’re working. 

It’s especially hard when you’re the oldest, or you have younger siblings that still get a summer break. Summer is when parents normally plan vacations or fun activities to do during the day. But when you’re an adult, you don’t get to just drop your plans and go do something fun. You don’t even get to sleep in longer! 

Now don’t think that this is just a negative post filled of complaints about how much being an adult sucks. Sometimes, summer can be even better when you’re an adult. Want to guess why? No rules. No parents telling you to be home by 11pm. You can have two popsicles and some goldfish for dinner because you don’t feel like turning on the oven if you want. Too hot in your room to sleep in pajamas? Sleep naked, your mom won’t walk in! You want to go to that party with the friends your parents didn’t always approve of? Go for it, live it up! You’ll have a nasty hangover in the morning, but who cares?! Get that urge to go on a spontaneous road trip? Jump in your car and go! No need to ask for permission, it’s your life. You might be tired for work the next day, but living life and enjoying the moments are worth way more than a few more dollars in your bank account. Don’t get me wrong- don’t quit your job to enjoy the summer. But also don’t be afraid to sacrifice a little bit of cash to create a couple more memories. All I’m saying, summer comes once a year. The weather is amazing, the possibilities are endless, and maybe (just maybe) summer is better as an adult. 

RIGHT PLACE, RIGHT TIME

If you’ve been keeping up with my posts, you know that I have just started going back to school. My first class in over six years, and it’s Introduction to Psychology. I’ve taken a couple psychology classes before when I was at Washington State University, and I really did enjoy learning more about how the brain works, so I was excited to get started with this class. Our main assignment throughout the next eight weeks is a personal experience essay. My professor has given several topics that we can choose from, and one of the topics is coping with depression. How appropriate, right?! My entire blog was created for me to cope with depression. Just a small sign that I’m doing the right thing, and I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be in life. I have been worried about taking classes online, working full time, still seeing family and friends, and actively posting on Stuck On The Kitchen Floor. But this just proved to me, that maybe it won’t be as tough as I think it will be. Yes it will be challenging, and I’m sure there’s plenty more rough times ahead of me. But for once, I’m appreciating the fact that I am at the right place at the right time. 

THE DREADED DAY IS COMING

Another year older. The day of my birth. 24 years is quickly approaching, and I’m not very excited about it. I posted last year shortly after my birthday exactly why I don’t enjoy celebrating my birthday. I’ve only had a couple birthdays where I was truly happy and excited, and enjoyed being surrounded by family and friends who wanted to celebrate my birth. But the past couple years, and many years growing up, I was completely miserable. I just wanted to forget the day even happened. 

I think I felt that way for so long was because I felt like no one did care about my birthday. That no one really was happy that I was here and I made it through another year. If I’m being completely honest, part of me still feels that way. Don’t get me wrong- I know my family loves me and is happy to have me around, but I don’t feel like anyone would ever want to do anything for me. To make me smile, to make me happy, to make me feel appreciated. Because I give. That’s my role in most of the “relationships” I have. I give to others. I’m there when they need someone, I help out when I can, I’m always a phone call or text message away, I provide support. But I’m not celebrated. 

In less than three weeks, I will be twenty four years old. I’m not looking forward to my birthday. I’ve gotten to the point to where I don’t even want to celebrate my birthday. It’s just another year older. I will be trying my best to remain positive, to be happy that I have made it through another year, celebrating my own success and hard work. I don’t need a party, I don’t need presents, I need to be able to appreciate myself and celebrate myself by myself. Maybe this year that dreaded day won’t be so terrible. 

OVERWHELMED AND CRYING?

I try really hard to stay aware of my feelings, the way I act on my feelings, and how I move forward from those feelings. I thought I had it figured out, for the most part, until I was surprised by work and sent to Singapore. There was a post earlier this month explaining my full on panic attack that lasted about three hours and ended with swollen eyes and a crazy bad headache. But.. that hasn’t been the last time I’ve had a panic attack. 

I know that when I get extremely overwhelmed I tend to break down. Breaking down isn’t new for me, I’ve always broken down at some point. I try to hold everything in as long as I can until I just can’t take it anymore. But I’ve never cried when I have been overwhelmed. 

Until this last month. I’m noticing now that when I get overwhelmed, I cry. An uncontrollable, hard to stop once I get started, comes out of nowhere cry. And not just like one tear, I’m talking like go through an entire box of Kleenex, put cold spoons on my eyes to bring down the swelling, can’t catch my breath because I’m sobbing so hard type of cry. You know how little kids do that thing where they shakily try to catch their breath  after they cry? Yup, I do that too. 

Why have I developed this new trait? I’ve always been overly emotional, I’ve always been able to cry over the sad movies, the sweet birthday card, or the ASPCA commercials. But now it’s anytime that I get completely overwhelmed, I break down and cry. The good part is that I’m able to stop myself, to eventually pull myself together, and complete what needs to be completed. I can pick myself back up. The bad part? It’s hard always being the one to pick yourself back up. It would be nice to have that special someone there with me, to help me through the bad times. 

Is this crying thing going to last? Is it officially a part of who I am? Will I always cry when I get overwhelmed? Is there a way to fix this? 

STRESSED!

Oh man have I been busy! This week, more like this month, has just been crazy for me. I feel like I haven’t stopped to catch my breath. I’ve had two graduations, a graduation party, baking desserts for the graduation party, working seven trips this month, taking my brother to New Orleans, taking my dad to both Washington DC and Lihue, Kauai for Father’s Day, spending time with my family, working on the blog, a quick girls’ trip to Los Angeles, enrolling and submitting my first payment for continuing my education online, celebrating the Golden State Warriors victory, AND as of this evening starting bridesmaids weekend for one of my best friend’s wedding! Whew!

Won’t lie, I’m exhausted. I will be trying my absolute best to continue my posts on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday but unfortunately I can’t make any promises. I don’t want anyone thinking that I have given up on Stuck on the Kitchen Floor, I just have to prioritize right now. I will do everything in my power to continue posting as regular as possible, and I’ll keep you all updated on latest posts on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and Snapchat! If you haven’t already, follow me on social media to try to keep up with my latest adventures! Hope you all have a great weekend and stay cool! 

GRADUATION WEEK

I am truly honored to announce that my youngest brother Dante has promoted from the eighth grade and my oldest brother Travis has graduated from high school! I wish I could find the words to express just how proud I am of their hard work and dedication. Even through tough times, they were both able to complete their homework, be involved with extracurricular activities, and spend time with their family and friends. 

I remember being four years old and begging for a baby brother or sister. I wanted a sister just because it seemed more fun, but now I realize just how much I needed brothers too. Travis came into the world, and everything changed for me. I wanted to be the best big sister I could, to be a good example, and to be apart of every second of his life. I wanted to protect him from the bad, encourage him when times got tough, and make him smile over and over again. I can’t believe he’s eighteen years old, graduated high school, and has joined the United States Army Reserve. Where has the time gone? 

My baby brother Dante. I love all of my siblings the same and they all hold a piece of me, but Dante has my soul. There’s just something about him that makes me a little bit stronger, a little bit more protective, a little bit more empathetic. He’s off to high school now. He’s only a couple years off from being an adult and my brain just can’t handle it. I love that he’s still a kid, I love that he hasn’t been beaten down, and I will do everything in my power to make sure he enjoys his last few years of being a kid. 

I’d also like to congratulate my brother Jared for completing his sophomore year of high school, he’s officially an upperclassmen! My baby sister, Savannah, finished second grade and will be starting third grade this fall! 

I’m so proud of you all! Enjoy the summer and remember you can achieve anything you set your mind to! 

PANIC ATTACK FOR SINGAPORE

When I was told I was working a flight to Singapore, I completely lost it. I have only worked domestic flights since I started flying, and didn’t really have a desire to work international flights just due to the length of flight time and not enough time in a new country. But I had no choice but to work this trip. Work had called me at 5:30pm and told me I needed to be at the airport by 9:30pm. Only four hour notice to prepare to fly across the world. I had been up since 5:30am and I was going to have to be up for another 20 hours. I knew very little of Singapore and had no idea what to expect. It was all so overwhelming in that moment, that I just broke down. I spent the four hours before I had to be at the airport in various states of crying, trying to pack, calling friends and family asking for advice, and convincing myself that I could do it. Now let me tell you, when I cry, I CRY. Like full on sobbing, can’t catch my breath, shaking uncontrollably, crying. It’s quite a scene. But somehow I managed to pull myself together just in time to walk on that plane and do my absolute best for 16 hours. Part of me still can’t believe I did it.

I have to thank my family and friends from the bottom of my heart for being there for me, encouraging me with words of wisdom, and praying for me throughout my trip. I don’t believe I could have gotten on that plane without all of you. Thank you! 

ENROLLED

I finally did it! I’ve been talking about going back to school for over five years now. I can officially announce that I will start taking classes online in July! It’s been a long time coming, and it won’t be easy, but I am so excited and honestly so proud of myself for finally doing it. I don’t care if it takes five years to finish, but I will be getting my college degree. Anyone who’s known me for awhile knows how important education is to me. I had so many plans for which school I was going to go to, the degree I was going to get, and the career path that I wanted. But life happened, and I didn’t get what I wanted. God obviously had a plan that was bigger than mine, and it took me awhile but I’m getting back on track. Maybe I didn’t want it enough, or I wouldn’t have appreciated it if I had been able to graduate on time. But it’s going to happen now, and I want it so bad.