FEELING A BIT DEFEATED

I’m currently working towards my bachelors degree online, and I’ll admit that it’s not as easy as I thought it would be. I thought that I would be able to work, study, still visit my family and friends, and also have some downtime. But it’s just not that easy. With this extra expense of school, I’m having to work more and find trips that allow me to study and complete homework assignments while I’m traveling. I hate having to say no to my family and friends because I have school work to complete, but I just don’t have a choice sometimes. There’s just so many things pulling me in every direction, and I want to do well in school. I want to be able to complete my degree so I can become a teacher in a few years. I’ve thought about taking a eight weeks (the length of a course online) off, just to work a lot, spend the holidays with my family and friends, and not be so distracted with everything else going on. But I’m afraid, terrified actually, that once I take time off, it’ll be really hard for me to get back into it. Last time I took a break from school, I didn’t go back for 6 years. I can’t do that again. I’m so proud of myself, and I know my family is proud of me too, for going back to school. I don’t want to stop, but I don’t want to completely overwhelm myself and miss out on significant time with my loved ones. Ugh, I’m just feeling a bit defeated right now. 

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GAME OF THRONES

As ashamed as I am to admit it, I’ve finally started to watch Game of Thrones. I know, I know. I’m late! Please don’t judge me too much. I just finished season one, and I must say I’m slightly addicted. Some of the scenes are really intense to watch, you know which ones I’m talking about. But so far, it’s definitely kept me captivated. It’s definitely a show where you really have to pay attention, and sometimes pause and rewind to find out exactly what they’re talking about and what’s happening. It’s not the show to watch when you’re just looking to turn on the TV and forget about your day. There’s some parts I have problems with, obviously the rape scenes, the beheadings, and just the cruelty and gore of it all. Personally, I have a hard time believing things like magic and dragons, but somehow I find this series to be really good! My question is, what do you guys think of Game of Thrones?

A NEW CHAPTER IN MY LIFE

Changes are being made. I’m not quite ready to share exactly what’s been happening, but it’s happening. I’m scared that it might disappear again, I’m scared that it won’t be the same, but I’m trying. I’m pushing my fears to the side, and starting new. All I know is that I’m happy and this is what I want. Hopefully my family and friends will stand beside me and support me in these changes, and me taking a chance again. A move will be happening eventually, to a new place that I don’t know much about. One day, maybe not this year, but sometime, I’ll be leaving California for good. It completely terrifies me, but I know it needs to happen. It’ll be good for me, good for my future, good for my life story. I’m a bit sad that this part of my life is ending, but I’m excited for this next chapter in my life. 

SNICKERDOODLES

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Here’s something I haven’t shared with most of you yet: I love to bake! Cookies, cheesecake, cupcakes, brownies, fudge, cake, I’m even getting into pies. I won’t lie, I’m not perfect when it comes to baking. I’ve thrown entire batches of cookies away, I’ve It’s hard to make time to just have fun when you’re busy working and traveling all the time. But I try to do something I love, something that’s easy for me when I get a break from everything else. It helps clear my head, and I always love giving away my baked goods to family, friends, coworkers, even homeless shelters. So if you’re looking for a passion, give baking a try! 

GOING DARK

I’ve been feeling just a bit too out of control lately. A bit too hurt, too sad, too upset to continue trying to fake a smile. I’ll still be posting, but I just need some time to myself. I need to regroup, figure out why my heart has been hurting so much lately, and then try to piece myself back together. I’ll be going dark for a little while. 

LIFE COMES IN WAVES

IMG_1505.JPGI’m finally learning that I cannot control everything around me. I’ve let life knock me down too many times but I’ve realized that I’ve been going against the current. When times get tough, you need to step back and look at the bigger picture. Today, my picture is waves. Life comes in waves. Soft and gentle one moment, hard and rough the next. It’s up to you to either let life wash you away or to go with the flow. So take a deep breath because you’ll never know where life’s going to take you. 

I WISH I WAS THAT GIRL

Sometimes I think about what I was like when I was a teenager, when I was filled with dreams, ambition, and that confident but never cocky teenage ego. That naive time in my life. Remember it? Where you’d spend the entire summer running around with your best friend, or your high school sweetheart doing anything and everything and not worrying about the adult life that was coming? Remember that kid that was so open to love, to experiencing new things, the kid that hadn’t ever felt true pain before? I miss that girl. 

More than anything, I wish I could be that girl again. I’ve noticed recently just how much I’ve changed. I used to laugh at the smallest thing, and my laugh was full and reached my eyes. Now, I laugh but it doesn’t quite reach my eyes. I would live for the moment, I wouldn’t worry (too much) about the consequences until much later. Now I don’t even make an attempt to do anything spontaneous or “out of character”. 

I’ve been hurt a lot in the past. I wish there was some poetic way to say it, but there just isn’t. After life has knocked you down so many times, you start to change.  I’ve been destroyed, and it’s really difficult to piece yourself back together. It’s even harder to trust someone again and hope they don’t destroy you yet again. That girl, way back then, she’s gone. She’s been destroyed, and that’s devastating. I really liked that girl and I barely recognize who I am anymore. I’ve become someone who has no choice but to protect themselves because they’re so close to just completely unraveling. 

I wish I could be that girl again. I wish I could be that girl for myself, for my family, for my friends, for my best friend. I wish she was here because that girl deserves so much more than a tragic ending. She deserves the love and happiness that she radiated, and I wish there was some way to bring her back. 

SELF LOVE

I’ve spent the past twenty four years of my life taking care and loving others. I’ve tried so very hard to keep everyone happy, to never disappoint those closest to me. I’d do anything for my loved ones, and I’d put myself through anything so they would be happy and safe. But I’ve finally realized that I have been doing it at my own expense. 

When it comes to the relationships in my life, I have always put the other person first. I wanted to make them proud, always keep a smile on my face, and felt the need to prove that I was worthy of their time and love. I was so focused on proving my worthiness, that I forgot to determine if they were worthy of MY time and love. 

It’s taken me way too long to understand my worth, to see my potential, and to know that I deserve to have supportive, ambitious, caring people in my life. I allowed too many people to take up too much of my time when they shouldn’t have been in my life. I learned lessons, had my feelings hurt too many times, and lost my self worth along the way. It won’t be easy, but I’m trying to gain my self confidence back. I’m starting by changing the way I see myself, and to remember to love myself first. 

CHILDHOOD DREAMS

What was your childhood dream? For me, it was to be a teacher. Well that was my more realistic childhood dream. Of course I wanted to be a singer. I swore up and down that I would do whatever it took, I’d take as many classes as I needed, I would be a singer. I’d be famous. I’d go on tour, I’d have several albums, and everyone would want my autograph. But everyone dreamt of stuff like that, right?

Some people wanted to become famous athletes, some wanted to be astronauts or fire-fighters. But when did life knock us down and make us give up on our dreams? Or was it ever really our dream? What if our ideas of being superstars, law enforcement officers, and athletes were forced upon us because those were the first type of jobs that we ever experienced? Think about it. You saw the superstars either on TV, in the movies, on the radio, and they looked so glamourous. You saw police officers and fire-fighters everyday on the streets, or handing out sticker badges at fairs and school events. Athletes are constantly idolized for their talent on the field and on TV. What if we had been introduced to scientists, doctors, engineers at a young age? Would our dreams have changed? Where would be now as a society if we always had the goal of becoming a Nobel Peace Prize winner instead of a Grammy Award winner? Don’t take this wrong, I know it takes an incredible amount of hard work and dedication to become a Grammy Award winner, I’m not knocking any of them down. But I wonder where we’d be with research, with a way of life, if we had focused on realistic dreams?