GRADUATION WEEK

I am truly honored to announce that my youngest brother Dante has promoted from the eighth grade and my oldest brother Travis has graduated from high school! I wish I could find the words to express just how proud I am of their hard work and dedication. Even through tough times, they were both able to complete their homework, be involved with extracurricular activities, and spend time with their family and friends. 

I remember being four years old and begging for a baby brother or sister. I wanted a sister just because it seemed more fun, but now I realize just how much I needed brothers too. Travis came into the world, and everything changed for me. I wanted to be the best big sister I could, to be a good example, and to be apart of every second of his life. I wanted to protect him from the bad, encourage him when times got tough, and make him smile over and over again. I can’t believe he’s eighteen years old, graduated high school, and has joined the United States Army Reserve. Where has the time gone? 

My baby brother Dante. I love all of my siblings the same and they all hold a piece of me, but Dante has my soul. There’s just something about him that makes me a little bit stronger, a little bit more protective, a little bit more empathetic. He’s off to high school now. He’s only a couple years off from being an adult and my brain just can’t handle it. I love that he’s still a kid, I love that he hasn’t been beaten down, and I will do everything in my power to make sure he enjoys his last few years of being a kid. 

I’d also like to congratulate my brother Jared for completing his sophomore year of high school, he’s officially an upperclassmen! My baby sister, Savannah, finished second grade and will be starting third grade this fall! 

I’m so proud of you all! Enjoy the summer and remember you can achieve anything you set your mind to! 

PANIC ATTACK FOR SINGAPORE

When I was told I was working a flight to Singapore, I completely lost it. I have only worked domestic flights since I started flying, and didn’t really have a desire to work international flights just due to the length of flight time and not enough time in a new country. But I had no choice but to work this trip. Work had called me at 5:30pm and told me I needed to be at the airport by 9:30pm. Only four hour notice to prepare to fly across the world. I had been up since 5:30am and I was going to have to be up for another 20 hours. I knew very little of Singapore and had no idea what to expect. It was all so overwhelming in that moment, that I just broke down. I spent the four hours before I had to be at the airport in various states of crying, trying to pack, calling friends and family asking for advice, and convincing myself that I could do it. Now let me tell you, when I cry, I CRY. Like full on sobbing, can’t catch my breath, shaking uncontrollably, crying. It’s quite a scene. But somehow I managed to pull myself together just in time to walk on that plane and do my absolute best for 16 hours. Part of me still can’t believe I did it.

I have to thank my family and friends from the bottom of my heart for being there for me, encouraging me with words of wisdom, and praying for me throughout my trip. I don’t believe I could have gotten on that plane without all of you. Thank you! 

ENROLLED

I finally did it! I’ve been talking about going back to school for over five years now. I can officially announce that I will start taking classes online in July! It’s been a long time coming, and it won’t be easy, but I am so excited and honestly so proud of myself for finally doing it. I don’t care if it takes five years to finish, but I will be getting my college degree. Anyone who’s known me for awhile knows how important education is to me. I had so many plans for which school I was going to go to, the degree I was going to get, and the career path that I wanted. But life happened, and I didn’t get what I wanted. God obviously had a plan that was bigger than mine, and it took me awhile but I’m getting back on track. Maybe I didn’t want it enough, or I wouldn’t have appreciated it if I had been able to graduate on time. But it’s going to happen now, and I want it so bad. 

BUILD YOURSELF A WALL

Sometimes life just gets too hard. You think everything is going good, you think you’re doing better, you think that maybe you won’t fall down and get hurt again. But you do. And when you do, it hurts worse than the last time because you knew better this time around. You thought you had learned from your past. You tried to protect yourself, and instead blindly walked another situation where you weren’t in control, and let yourself get hurt. How do you protect yourself again? How do you make it so you can’t get hurt ever again? Shut yourself down. Build a wall so high that no one can get in. It hurts knowing that you’re giving up, but it doesn’t hurt as bad as it would if somebody broke through the wall and crushed you. Maybe one day someone will be willing to slowly climb that wall, and work their way to your heart with only good intentions. But until that day, you cannot give someone all of you. Giving someone your heart gives them the opportunity to hurt you over and over again while you just sit there and hope that it’ll be different. It’s not easy, being the princess in the tallest tower guarded by the fire-breathing dragon. But it’s easier than continuing to be hurt by every soldier that comes along. Maybe one day it’ll be worth it. Maybe one day someone will see how amazing you really are, and they’ll do anything to be with you and make you smile. Maybe one day someone will finally see your worth. But until then, build that wall. 

LIFE IMPROVEMENTS

Just a few months ago I felt stuck, like I hadn’t been challenging myself enough. I realized that in order for me to be happy with myself, I had to improve myself. So I slowly started making changes.

I’ve been looking into going back to school, and I’m currently waiting on being accepted to start classes in July. I have a financial plan, as far as what I would like to accomplish by a certain amount of time. I bought my first new car in September of 2016 and I will be finished paying it off in just two more years.

I have been spending more time focusing on my blog, trying to remain consistent and writing about my true feelings and not being afraid to share them with the public. It’s hard to sit there and express yourself knowing that anyone in the world can read your deepest thoughts, fears, and the struggles you go through. But it’s also comforting to put all of me out there, and to not hold anything back anymore. 

I’m working on my friendships. Finding the people that are truly inspiring by their positive energy and endless amount of drive to succeed, and trying to be the best friend that I can be to them. Friendship isn’t just a one way street, you have to put in as much effort as you’d hope your friend would. I struggled for a long time with having true friends in my life, and I’m proud to say that I know I have incredible people by my side. 

I am trying to be the best big sister that I can possibly be. My siblings deserve nothing but the best, and it’s the most amazing feeling to watch them grow into their own person. It’s scary to realize that not only have I been growing and changing, so have they. My eldest brother is eighteen years old and will be going off to basic training for the United States Army in just a couple months. I just want to be able to spend every single second that I can with them, to cherish their childhood, and create memories that’ll last forever. 

I’m changing, I’m working on myself. I’m focusing on becoming more self confident, being comfortable in my own skin. I will always be a work in progress, but I won’t ever let myself get stagnant again. It’s my time to improve. 

MY OWN FAIRY TALE

I have never seen my parents together. Physically in the same room together yes, but never romantically. I haven’t been around healthy and happy relationships. Ever. And I’ve recently started wondering, has that affected the way I look at relationships and love? 

Sure I’ve seen my grandparents together, and I’ve watched movies where the main character falls in love and they end up happily ever after. I grew up on fairy tales and believing that my prince charming would find me one day. I always thought I’d be the wife that brought my husband lunch at work, I’d be pulling chocolate chip cookies out of the oven right when he walked in the door, and the football mom who drove a nice SUV (never a minivan, those things are terrible). I wanted that typical white picket fence type of love. But then I started growing up and realizing that love isn’t always enough to keep two people together. Someone falls out of love, hearts are broken, life changes unexpectedly, and people move on. I never thought it would be like that for me though. (Like I said, fairy tales.)

I just wonder if seeing failed relationships throughout my life made me weaker or stronger when it comes to my own relationships. All I’ve wanted is to have the storybook type of love and passion, maybe I was too willing. Maybe I spent too much time trying to make it work with someone when deep down, I knew they weren’t my happy ending. Maybe I’m so afraid that someone will walk away from me that I’m willing to let go of things that would be deal breakers just so I won’t be alone. But at the same time, maybe I’ve become so cynical that I don’t believe words anymore. I wait for the actions to prove how someone feels. I’m so used to being hurt and seeing people get hurt that I don’t allow myself to get close to someone anymore in the anticipation that they will soon leave. 

It’s tough because I see both sides. It’s a constant battle internally between wanting to give love another shot because I want that happy ending and shutting myself off from love entirely because I’m too afraid of getting hurt. But I have promised myself that I will protect my heart until the right person shows up and is willing to be patient with me and prove that love is real. 

Maybe one day I’ll have my happy ending. But I’m not holding my breath or waiting for that day. I’m continuing to live my life, to do things that make me happy, remaining independent, and sleeping in the middle of the bed. And if my prince charming doesn’t come around, I’ll create my happy ending in my own fairy tale.  

 

RELATIONSHIPS AND COMMITMENT

How does anyone know if or even when they’re ready for commitment? Is it when they know they love someone? Or when they can’t imagine their life without that person? Is it when they would do anything to make them smile? What is the turning point from dating to commitment? 

I’ll be completely honest (as always!) and admit that I’m not very experienced when it comes to relationships. I dated my best friend in high school for about two years, and it’s almost embarrassing to admit that that was my longest relationship. After that relationship ended, I dated but there wasn’t anyone serious until my most recent ex. I’ve been in love twice, and had my heart broken twice. Both times I truly thought I had found the person I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with, but both times I was wrong. 

After this last break up, which was about a year ago, I had to stop and re-evalute my life I had to figure out if I wanted a relationship and what I wanted from one if I did. I’ve come to the conclusion that if I ever get into a relationship again, it’s going to be with someone truly worth the risk of getting hurt. I want to feel comfortable, respected, loved, and appreciated when I commit to someone. It’s taken awhile for me to get back to the point where I know my worth, and I’m going to make sure that the person I’m with realizes my worth as well. 

I’m new to this world of adult dating and relationships. Sometimes I still feel like a girl in high school just waiting for the cute kid to ask me to prom. (Which didn’t happen by the way – still totally believe my mother’s theory of being too “intimidating”. Kidding, moms have to say stuff like that.) How are relationships suppose to work? What steps are there to take? When should someone meet the family? How long do you try to make it work with someone until you admit that maybe they’re not the right person for you? When is too soon to tell them you’re falling in love? Do you commit to someone when you become exclusive, officially in a relationship, engaged, married? 

There’s just so many questions, and I want to make sure I get it right. I know there isn’t the perfect answer that works for everyone, so I have to create my own answers. I guess it just depends on the person you’re with and that communication can truly make or break a relationship. Be honest with the person you’re interested in, don’t ever be afraid to express your feelings, don’t overthink but don’t forget to think, and trust your gut. If it’s right, it’ll work. 

DOES THIS MAKE ME WEAK?

Is it bad that I want to be protected? That I want to have someone care for me, worry about me, willing to be there through the good and bad? Does that make me weak? Does that make me seem like I’m not independent? That I can’t take care of myself? 

I know how to be strong when times get tough and I feel like I can’t afford to be vulnerable. I’ve pushed away from my emotions and the thought of asking for help because I felt like it would make me look weak. Or that I couldn’t do it on my own. There were times where I would save my tears until I was laying in my bed, and I would cry myself to sleep. To be completely honest, I still do that. I’ve taken care of myself for years now, just staying quiet and suffering on the inside so no one would see just how tired I am. 

Am I admitting I’m weak? Heck no. I just want someone in my corner. Someone that is loyal, kind, supportive, and protective of my well being. 

Is that too much to ask? 

DAILY REMINDER

Everyone needs a mantra. Well, maybe not a manta per se. But definitely something that you tell yourself every morning or every time you’re feeling down. It’s necessary to remind yourself that everything is going to be okay. You might be having a bad day or going through a tough situation but it’s just that. A bad day, not a bad life. 

I’m asking for you to take the time to figure out what would help you get through anything. Just something simple that you can say to yourself whenever you’re feeling down, not worthy, frustrated, or just tired. It can be corny or silly, whatever will make you smile and stop and appreciate yourself. I think we all tend to get wrapped up in the madness that we forget how truly amazing we are. We need to remind ourselves. 

Here’s what I will be starting to share with myself whenever I forget how amazing I am: 

I love you. You are enough. You make me happy. 

I’d love to hear what you share with yourself, post in the comments! 

 

FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE

When you get married, there’s always the talk about the vow “for better or for worse”. But no one ever mentions that an individual changes for better or for worse when a relationship ends. When two people separate,  both of them change. The way they perceive love, the way they see themselves and what they are worth. Everything changes. Sometimes for better, and sometimes for worse. 

For better. Someone could realize that they deserve better, that they shouldn’t settle for mediocre. They see what they need to work on, to be a better partner and they do become a better partner for the person that they are truly supposed to be with. 

For worse. They shut down, they lose their self worth and self confidence. They become so accustomed to the pain of being broken hearted, that they give up trying to find love. They lose themselves. 

As embarrassing as it is to say, I’ve lost myself. I’ve gone numb. I’ve been hurt one too many times, and I’m simply destroyed. There’s nothing left. 

For better or for worse.