FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE

When you get married, there’s always the talk about the vow “for better or for worse”. But no one ever mentions that an individual changes for better or for worse when a relationship ends. When two people separate,  both of them change. The way they perceive love, the way they see themselves and what they are worth. Everything changes. Sometimes for better, and sometimes for worse. 

For better. Someone could realize that they deserve better, that they shouldn’t settle for mediocre. They see what they need to work on, to be a better partner and they do become a better partner for the person that they are truly supposed to be with. 

For worse. They shut down, they lose their self worth and self confidence. They become so accustomed to the pain of being broken hearted, that they give up trying to find love. They lose themselves. 

As embarrassing as it is to say, I’ve lost myself. I’ve gone numb. I’ve been hurt one too many times, and I’m simply destroyed. There’s nothing left. 

For better or for worse. 

GENEVA, SWITZERLAND

I am so excited! I am headed to Geneva, Switzerland! Just because! I have an entire month off of work, and I have decided to spend it traveling the world. What better way to enjoy my vacation than to jump on a plane, and go to a country I’ve never been to? 

I’m currently on hour 5 of 8 on this flight from IAD (Washington D.C.) to GVA (Geneva, Switzerland) and I just could not be more spoiled! Not only was I upgraded to a lie flat seat, I’ve been sipping on mimosas all flight, lying back with Saks Fifth Avenue blankets and pillows, and eating ice cream with M&Ms. 

This is honestly the perfect way to start off my new year. I haven’t ever traveled to another country without my family, or as an adult for that matter. I’ve really needed to get away and just explore, so why not Geneva? Switzerland is supposed to be one of the most happy countries, with kind people and the BEST chocolate in the entire world (obviously!). 

I can’t wait to show you all my adventure! 

ON A DAY LIKE TODAY

Today is the day. The United States of America will elect a new president. I am not here to talk politics, I’m not going divulge if I voted and whom I may have voted for. This is not the place. But, today is a day that will go down in history. A new president will be elected. I’ve had time to think about today. About what it means for the past, the present, and the future. And to be completely honest, I have no idea what that entails.

What I do know is that I recently visited a national monument in Baltimore, Maryland. 

Fort McHenry.

Not many know the significance of Fort McHenry. Francis Scott Key was returning by ship and saw the battered American flag waving through the fog. He knew Baltimore had survived the British attack, and he was inspired to write the national anthem. 

 People don’t realize the battles that everyone is going through. How someone can be standing next to you with a smile on their face, and you would have no idea that they went through something tragic just the night before. Francis Scott Key saw something beautiful in the tattered flag, and we need to see something beautiful in each other. We’re all going our own battles. But just like Fort McHenry, we’re still standing. We may have been beaten, we may be hurt, we may have holes in our hearts, and are barely hanging by a thread, but we’re still standing. We’re still here. 

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ONE YEAR OF FLIGHT

One year ago today, I was given my wings as a flight attendant. It’s been the craziest ( and fastest) year I think I’ve ever had. A year ago I was flying home from Houston, Texas to pack up my car and drive to my new home- Los Angeles! My classmate and I lived out of my car for the first month, and rented beds in a “crash pad” the second month. (In case you don’t know, a crash pad is an apartment or house that has several bunk beds in each room and you can pay for a bed for the month. You have a cubby to put your belongings in, a sectioned off area in the refrigerator, and a hook for your towel by the bathroom. It’s not fancy, I think it’s worse than college dorm life. But it works if you are based somewhere far away from home.) 

After two months of being away from home, I had had enough. Thank goodness my transfer went through! I packed up my bags, and drove from Los Angeles back home to San Francisco. Ever since then, I’ve been living at home (rent free- thank you Dad!!) and driving 70 miles each direction to work. It’s been difficult at times, driving through the traffic, or landing at 2am and still having to drive home. But it’s so much better than sleeping in a twin size bunk bed with 19 other people around me. 

Oh, and the places I’ve gone! I still haven’t technically left the country, except Mexico and Canada. But I’ve had a blast exploring all the different cities I’ve been to. Philadelphia where I got to spend the day with a childhood friend, Denver, Raleigh, Boston with my dad and going to a Red Sox game, Vancouver, Chicago, Fort Lauderdale, Seattle and drinks with my college roommate, the list just goes on and on! 

I’ve learned a lot about myself this year. I’ve grown, I’m much more comfortable being by myself. I’m not afraid to go out and just enjoy the town. I don’t necessarily need someone with me. I’ve learned to sometimes take it easy, and just resting in the hotel is exactly what I need. Meeting new people and experiencing different personalities, I have realized that just being a good person can go a long way.

After having a long day, you have to somehow find the humor in it all. And I have some funny stories! From pilots spilling orange juice, to flight attendants dropping a carton of wine glasses, getting heels stuck in escalators, waking up late and doing my makeup in the van, getting a run in my panty hose, and trying not to sneeze in the middle of the aisle. But nothing beats passenger stories. Asking if we have Hennessy on board, moms yelling at me for not being able to put her breast milk in the refrigerator (we don’t have one on board), people walking into the lavatory barefoot, people getting upset the WiFi or TVs don’t work, to passengers getting in fights! 

This job is crazy. It’s exhausting, frustrating, lonely, and sometimes just irritating. But it’s also so much fun. I get to travel the world (well, just the US for now) and I get paid to do it. I meet so many incredible people, I get to visit my family and friends, and my job allows me to see the most beautiful sunrises and sunsets. Here’s to one year and many more! 

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ONE MONTH MIA

It’s been one month since I’ve posted. It’s been two and a half months since my life has changed considerably. And it just continues to change every day. 

I got my heart broken. I’ve been struggling for months now, trying to find the words and trying to find the strength to explain. And to be honest, I still don’t have them. I still don’t know what to do, what to say, how to feel. But, I guess I’m trying to distract myself as much as possible. 

I’m very fortunate with my job. It’s allowing me to buy a brand new car! As soon as it arrives at the dealership, I will be signing the papers!!!! Also, my schedule is flexible enough to allow me to go back to school. I’m currently researching different online universities to find what fits my lifestyle, my dreams, and ultimately will get me a degree in education and my teaching credentials in one giant swoop. Any suggestions or recommendations would be amazing! 

I have been really interested in photography since I started flying a year ago (almost!). Previously, I had just been using my iPhone camera, and its been doing amazing. I’ve loved some of the pictures I’ve been taking. But, I wanted to take it to the next level. For my birthday, my dad bought me a camera! My very own Nikon P900!!!!! I haven’t used it too much yet, and have only made it to about page 9 on the manual. (I was just too excited) One of these days when I have a chance, maybe I’ll make it to page 20. 

My friends. Oh my friends! I could not have made it this far without my best friends. They have been just so incredibly supportive, understanding, kind, and just amazing people to me. They’ve seen me at my lowest, and they’ve always been there when I need them. I couldn’t have asked for better people by my side right now. 

I don’t know what’s going to happen in the future. I don’t know how I’m going to make it through today. But I’m trying. I’m trying the best that I can. Some days are really hard, and some days are easier. But I’m trying. 

 

WHY I DON’T CELEBRATE MY BIRTHDAY

So, August 1st was my birthday. I’ve always wanted to celebrate my birthday. I’ve always been so big on celebrating birthdays, and I’ve always hoped those around me would be just as thrilled to celebrate mine. I did not celebrate my birthday. Why do you ask? Well, it’s quite a long story, and I’ve finally decided to share it. 

When I was a kid, I would always stress out about my birthday. It meant I had to be with one parent, and celebrate later with another. I always felt so bad missing out on seeing my mom or my dad on my big day. And when my siblings were born, it meant missing out on celebrating with them. But there was always the upside. I got to have two birthday cakes, two birthday parties, and twice as many presents! (Oh how simple it is to make a kid happy!) 

But as I started getting older, I started to dislike my birthday. I was always disappointed. Either I didn’t get to have a birthday party, or my friends couldn’t make it for my party (the struggles of have a summer birthday), my crush at the time didn’t call to wish me a happy birthday. Something totally random that I had hoped would happen, never happened. And it destroyed me every time. Why didn’t I stop expecting things?! Why didn’t I just move forward and not be so focused on getting everything I wanted?!

So what made me just completely give up on my birthday? Well, my 17th ended all hopes and dreams of having a great day. After yet another physical debacle with my step father about my homosexuality, my mother kicked me out of the house. On my 17th birthday. My stepfather gave my mother the ultimatum of choosing between him or me. And she chose him. Days before I started my senior year of high school. As a member of student council, future track team captain, nominated homecoming princess, I had to give up my high school. I moved two hours away, with nothing but my car and my dirty laundry, to my dad’s house. To my dad that I hadn’t seen in a year and a half because the court had deemed him “unfit”. Because my mom wouldn’t let him just come to a track meet of mine without threatening to call the police. On my 17th birthday, my own mother chose her husband over her daughter. I had never thought of myself as an option, until that very moment. When your own mother chooses someone else over you, you start to have serious identity issues. 

I tried my best to move past that. Our relationship was strained for quite some time, the only time I would speak to her was when I wanted to see my siblings. She thinks our relationship is better than ever, but to be completely honest, I will never be able to forgive her. 

Ever since then, I’ve tried to ignore my upcoming birthday. But by my 18th birthday, my best friend (and girlfriend) had broken up with me, and I was convinced that if she still cared she would try to make my birthday special. She didn’t even text me a “happy birthday”. I was destroyed once again. There I was, thinking that someone that had been my best friend for 10 years didn’t even want to wish me a happy birthday. 

19th birthday passed, nothing to remember. I honestly couldn’t even tell you where I was. 20th birthday- my dad took me to Hawaii. I can officially say it was my best birthday I’ve ever had. The only person I saw that day was the only person who had never turned his back on me. I only got a couple text messages from friends wishing me a happy birthday, and that was okay. It was a little sad, but I just tried to remember how lucky I was to be in such a beautiful place for my birthday. 21st birthday- I was dating someone new, and she went above and beyond! A limo picked me up, took me to In N Out, and we ended up at a club for the night. That entire weekend was amazing. Friends took me out, had BBQs by the pool, danced all night, and passed out at 3am. The first time I celebrated my birthday the EXACT way I wanted to. My mom even took me out for dinner that night. Quickly after my birthday, the person I was dating dumped me. And I just wanted to completely forget all the birthday memories I made.

My 22nd birthday, I donated blood. I thought, if God has allowed me to stay on this earth for another year, I was going to make sure three other people would too. (If you’ve ever considered donating, I HIGHLY recommend it. Visit americanredcross.org to find out if you qualify to donate and save three lives.) I did not want to go out, I did not want to see the Facebook posts, I did not want any presents, and I definitely did not want to be sung to. And I got exactly what I wanted. Did it suck? Yeah, it did. But I rather demand nothing than hope for something and get nothing. 

So here comes my 23rd. And what happened this year? Let me give you some background info. Well my girlfriend, she just broke up with me. I can’t even begin to explain the pain I feel from it all, because I honestly believe she is the person I’m supposed to be with. I have a couple good friends in my life, I just finished celebrating their birthdays and now it was finally my turn. Unfortunately, my work schedule didn’t work out with my birthday this year. I had to be on-call, which means I sat on my couch in full hair and makeup all day. ALL DAY. Once again, I asked for nothing. And nothing I got. Only two family members called to wish me a happy birthday. Only one friend called to wish me a happy birthday. (Mind you, I just finished celebrating TWO of my friends birthdays.) A friend that I’ve flown half way across the country to visit for their birthday, didn’t even call me on mine. A friend that I’ve known for three years sent me a text message asking, “Is it your birthday today??”. And my (ex) girlfriend? Just a phone call saying happy birthday. In all honesty, I thought she had forgotten. To be even more honest, I still think she forgot and someone reminded her. 

How much of a loser must I be to have people that I truly love and care for, not give a shit about my birthday? Seriously? I’m not asking for sympathy, or for anyone to try to act now as a belated birthday. I’m just addressing the thoughts that I’ve had for years. What do I have to do to get people to want to care for me? To want to make my birthday special, to try to wipe away all of the terrible birthdays that I’ve had. What have I done wrong to have people in my life that don’t care enough to celebrate the day I was born? 

I’m done. August 1st will never be an important day in my life, ever again. Ever. I’m so done with it. I’m done with my birthday. 

That’s why I don’t celebrate my birthday anymore. 

 

And to those that feel I may have called them out, or admitted to private situations, I’m not holding my tongue anymore. I’m sharing exactly how I feel and what I’ve gone through.