Sometimes I think about what I was like when I was a teenager, when I was filled with dreams, ambition, and that confident but never cocky teenage ego. That naive time in my life. Remember it? Where you’d spend the entire summer running around with your best friend, or your high school sweetheart doing anything and everything and not worrying about the adult life that was coming? Remember that kid that was so open to love, to experiencing new things, the kid that hadn’t ever felt true pain before? I miss that girl.
More than anything, I wish I could be that girl again. I’ve noticed recently just how much I’ve changed. I used to laugh at the smallest thing, and my laugh was full and reached my eyes. Now, I laugh but it doesn’t quite reach my eyes. I would live for the moment, I wouldn’t worry (too much) about the consequences until much later. Now I don’t even make an attempt to do anything spontaneous or “out of character”.
I’ve been hurt a lot in the past. I wish there was some poetic way to say it, but there just isn’t. After life has knocked you down so many times, you start to change. I’ve been destroyed, and it’s really difficult to piece yourself back together. It’s even harder to trust someone again and hope they don’t destroy you yet again. That girl, way back then, she’s gone. She’s been destroyed, and that’s devastating. I really liked that girl and I barely recognize who I am anymore. I’ve become someone who has no choice but to protect themselves because they’re so close to just completely unraveling.
I wish I could be that girl again. I wish I could be that girl for myself, for my family, for my friends, for my best friend. I wish she was here because that girl deserves so much more than a tragic ending. She deserves the love and happiness that she radiated, and I wish there was some way to bring her back.