Let me tell you my biggest flaw: I overthink. EVERYTHING. Why you haven’t responded to my text message in three hours, does that mean you’re not interested in me anymore? Do you not want to be my friend? Do you think I’m annoying and wish you never met me? Are you busy with someone else? Did you find someone who’s more interesting? Someone who’s prettier, funnier, smarter than me? All of these thoughts go through my head every single day. Every day. Every time you don’t answer the phone, or say you’re too busy to hang out, every time you roll your eyes at me, or even when I haven’t heard from you all day.
Yes, I know that overthinking is a big issue. And I wish I could fix it. I really do. I try really hard to talk myself down from a full on panic attack, I try to believe that it’s no big deal, that you’re just busy or don’t have time at that moment. But sometimes, those calm thoughts can only last for a couple hours. Then I’m back to overthinking.
Now I’ve come to the realization WHY I always overthink and feel so insecure. I have abandonment issues. I know, I know. Typical, right? Every young girl has some type of abandonment issues, the cliche being that her father left her when she was young and she’s constantly looking for that male figure in her life. Not the case here.
I’ve had a specific person choose to leave my life a few years ago. Someone that is supposed to be there no matter what. And yet they left. That person has tried to come back into my life, and I can’t fully trust it. I don’t believe it. If someone that is supposed to love you, supposed to care for you, supposed put your needs above their needs, throws you away… how are you ever supposed to feel confident that anyone else would treat you that way? I can’t.
I don’t believe that anyone would ever stay in my life. Because nobody has. At some point, the most important people in my life have all left. Every single person.
If it’s so easy for people to leave, how am I ever supposed to feel okay and confident in a relationship? I’m not just talking romantic relationship either. I’m talking family, friends, and partners.
So here’s a disclaimer for anyone who’s considering coming into my life: please respond to that text message, please assure me that everything is okay, show me that I’m wanted. Don’t change your habits, and please don’t get me to love you if you plan on leaving. Stay consistent. Because every time you go a day without talking to me, my heart breaks just a little. I have abandonment issues, I’m not perfect, but I will love you until the end of time.