WATER FALL IN HAWAII

unnamed-5.jpg

Absolutely love this picture! But little do you know, we had to hike down this crazy little path that we probably shouldn’t have. Imagine me, in a short little dress and flip flops, trying to hold my camera in one hand and climbing through the weeds just to get to this view. But man was it worth it. The water was so cold but perfectly clear. If you ever get a chance, make sure to visit Rainbow Falls! 

RIGHT PLACE, RIGHT TIME

If you’ve been keeping up with my posts, you know that I have just started going back to school. My first class in over six years, and it’s Introduction to Psychology. I’ve taken a couple psychology classes before when I was at Washington State University, and I really did enjoy learning more about how the brain works, so I was excited to get started with this class. Our main assignment throughout the next eight weeks is a personal experience essay. My professor has given several topics that we can choose from, and one of the topics is coping with depression. How appropriate, right?! My entire blog was created for me to cope with depression. Just a small sign that I’m doing the right thing, and I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be in life. I have been worried about taking classes online, working full time, still seeing family and friends, and actively posting on Stuck On The Kitchen Floor. But this just proved to me, that maybe it won’t be as tough as I think it will be. Yes it will be challenging, and I’m sure there’s plenty more rough times ahead of me. But for once, I’m appreciating the fact that I am at the right place at the right time. 

ABANDONMENT ISSUES

Let me tell you my biggest flaw: I overthink. EVERYTHING. Why you haven’t responded to my text message in three hours, does that mean you’re not interested in me anymore? Do you not want to be my friend? Do you think I’m annoying and wish you never met me? Are you busy with someone else? Did you find someone who’s more interesting? Someone who’s prettier, funnier, smarter than me? All of these thoughts go through my head every single day. Every day. Every time you don’t answer the phone, or say you’re too busy to hang out, every time you roll your eyes at me, or even when I haven’t heard from you all day. 

Yes, I know that overthinking is a big issue. And I wish I could fix it. I really do. I try really hard to talk myself down from a full on panic attack, I try to believe that it’s no big deal, that you’re just busy or don’t have time at that moment. But sometimes, those calm thoughts can only last for a couple hours. Then I’m back to overthinking. 

Now I’ve come to the realization WHY I always overthink and feel so insecure. I have abandonment issues. I know, I know. Typical, right? Every young girl has some type of abandonment issues, the cliche being that her father left her when she was young and she’s constantly looking for that male figure in her life. Not the case here. 

I’ve had a specific person choose to leave my life a few years ago. Someone that is supposed to be there no matter what. And yet they left. That person has tried to come back into my life, and I can’t fully trust it. I don’t believe it. If someone that is supposed to love you, supposed to care for you, supposed put your needs above their needs, throws you away… how are you ever supposed to feel confident that anyone else would treat you that way? I can’t. 

I don’t believe that anyone would ever stay in my life. Because nobody has. At some point, the most important people in my life have all left. Every single person. 

If it’s so easy for people to leave, how am I ever supposed to feel okay and confident in a relationship? I’m not just talking romantic relationship either. I’m talking family, friends, and partners. 

So here’s a disclaimer for anyone who’s considering coming into my life: please respond to that text message, please assure me that everything is okay, show me that I’m wanted. Don’t change your habits, and please don’t get me to love you if you plan on leaving. Stay consistent. Because every time you go a day without talking to me, my heart breaks just a little. I have abandonment issues, I’m not perfect, but I will love you until the end of time. 

 

THE DREADED DAY IS COMING

Another year older. The day of my birth. 24 years is quickly approaching, and I’m not very excited about it. I posted last year shortly after my birthday exactly why I don’t enjoy celebrating my birthday. I’ve only had a couple birthdays where I was truly happy and excited, and enjoyed being surrounded by family and friends who wanted to celebrate my birth. But the past couple years, and many years growing up, I was completely miserable. I just wanted to forget the day even happened. 

I think I felt that way for so long was because I felt like no one did care about my birthday. That no one really was happy that I was here and I made it through another year. If I’m being completely honest, part of me still feels that way. Don’t get me wrong- I know my family loves me and is happy to have me around, but I don’t feel like anyone would ever want to do anything for me. To make me smile, to make me happy, to make me feel appreciated. Because I give. That’s my role in most of the “relationships” I have. I give to others. I’m there when they need someone, I help out when I can, I’m always a phone call or text message away, I provide support. But I’m not celebrated. 

In less than three weeks, I will be twenty four years old. I’m not looking forward to my birthday. I’ve gotten to the point to where I don’t even want to celebrate my birthday. It’s just another year older. I will be trying my best to remain positive, to be happy that I have made it through another year, celebrating my own success and hard work. I don’t need a party, I don’t need presents, I need to be able to appreciate myself and celebrate myself by myself. Maybe this year that dreaded day won’t be so terrible.