I have never seen my parents together. Physically in the same room together yes, but never romantically. I haven’t been around healthy and happy relationships. Ever. And I’ve recently started wondering, has that affected the way I look at relationships and love?
Sure I’ve seen my grandparents together, and I’ve watched movies where the main character falls in love and they end up happily ever after. I grew up on fairy tales and believing that my prince charming would find me one day. I always thought I’d be the wife that brought my husband lunch at work, I’d be pulling chocolate chip cookies out of the oven right when he walked in the door, and the football mom who drove a nice SUV (never a minivan, those things are terrible). I wanted that typical white picket fence type of love. But then I started growing up and realizing that love isn’t always enough to keep two people together. Someone falls out of love, hearts are broken, life changes unexpectedly, and people move on. I never thought it would be like that for me though. (Like I said, fairy tales.)
I just wonder if seeing failed relationships throughout my life made me weaker or stronger when it comes to my own relationships. All I’ve wanted is to have the storybook type of love and passion, maybe I was too willing. Maybe I spent too much time trying to make it work with someone when deep down, I knew they weren’t my happy ending. Maybe I’m so afraid that someone will walk away from me that I’m willing to let go of things that would be deal breakers just so I won’t be alone. But at the same time, maybe I’ve become so cynical that I don’t believe words anymore. I wait for the actions to prove how someone feels. I’m so used to being hurt and seeing people get hurt that I don’t allow myself to get close to someone anymore in the anticipation that they will soon leave.
It’s tough because I see both sides. It’s a constant battle internally between wanting to give love another shot because I want that happy ending and shutting myself off from love entirely because I’m too afraid of getting hurt. But I have promised myself that I will protect my heart until the right person shows up and is willing to be patient with me and prove that love is real.
Maybe one day I’ll have my happy ending. But I’m not holding my breath or waiting for that day. I’m continuing to live my life, to do things that make me happy, remaining independent, and sleeping in the middle of the bed. And if my prince charming doesn’t come around, I’ll create my happy ending in my own fairy tale.