“I will not be another flower, picked for my beauty and left to die. I will be wild, difficult to find, and impossible to forget.” -Erik Van Vuren
I finally did it! I’ve been talking about going back to school for over five years now. I can officially announce that I will start taking classes online in July! It’s been a long time coming, and it won’t be easy, but I am so excited and honestly so proud of myself for finally doing it. I don’t care if it takes five years to finish, but I will be getting my college degree. Anyone who’s known me for awhile knows how important education is to me. I had so many plans for which school I was going to go to, the degree I was going to get, and the career path that I wanted. But life happened, and I didn’t get what I wanted. God obviously had a plan that was bigger than mine, and it took me awhile but I’m getting back on track. Maybe I didn’t want it enough, or I wouldn’t have appreciated it if I had been able to graduate on time. But it’s going to happen now, and I want it so bad.
Sometimes life just gets too hard. You think everything is going good, you think you’re doing better, you think that maybe you won’t fall down and get hurt again. But you do. And when you do, it hurts worse than the last time because you knew better this time around. You thought you had learned from your past. You tried to protect yourself, and instead blindly walked another situation where you weren’t in control, and let yourself get hurt. How do you protect yourself again? How do you make it so you can’t get hurt ever again? Shut yourself down. Build a wall so high that no one can get in. It hurts knowing that you’re giving up, but it doesn’t hurt as bad as it would if somebody broke through the wall and crushed you. Maybe one day someone will be willing to slowly climb that wall, and work their way to your heart with only good intentions. But until that day, you cannot give someone all of you. Giving someone your heart gives them the opportunity to hurt you over and over again while you just sit there and hope that it’ll be different. It’s not easy, being the princess in the tallest tower guarded by the fire-breathing dragon. But it’s easier than continuing to be hurt by every soldier that comes along. Maybe one day it’ll be worth it. Maybe one day someone will see how amazing you really are, and they’ll do anything to be with you and make you smile. Maybe one day someone will finally see your worth. But until then, build that wall.
Just a few months ago I felt stuck, like I hadn’t been challenging myself enough. I realized that in order for me to be happy with myself, I had to improve myself. So I slowly started making changes.
I’ve been looking into going back to school, and I’m currently waiting on being accepted to start classes in July. I have a financial plan, as far as what I would like to accomplish by a certain amount of time. I bought my first new car in September of 2016 and I will be finished paying it off in just two more years.
I have been spending more time focusing on my blog, trying to remain consistent and writing about my true feelings and not being afraid to share them with the public. It’s hard to sit there and express yourself knowing that anyone in the world can read your deepest thoughts, fears, and the struggles you go through. But it’s also comforting to put all of me out there, and to not hold anything back anymore.
I’m working on my friendships. Finding the people that are truly inspiring by their positive energy and endless amount of drive to succeed, and trying to be the best friend that I can be to them. Friendship isn’t just a one way street, you have to put in as much effort as you’d hope your friend would. I struggled for a long time with having true friends in my life, and I’m proud to say that I know I have incredible people by my side.
I am trying to be the best big sister that I can possibly be. My siblings deserve nothing but the best, and it’s the most amazing feeling to watch them grow into their own person. It’s scary to realize that not only have I been growing and changing, so have they. My eldest brother is eighteen years old and will be going off to basic training for the United States Army in just a couple months. I just want to be able to spend every single second that I can with them, to cherish their childhood, and create memories that’ll last forever.
I’m changing, I’m working on myself. I’m focusing on becoming more self confident, being comfortable in my own skin. I will always be a work in progress, but I won’t ever let myself get stagnant again. It’s my time to improve.
“If you see something beautiful in someone, speak it.” -Unknown
I have never seen my parents together. Physically in the same room together yes, but never romantically. I haven’t been around healthy and happy relationships. Ever. And I’ve recently started wondering, has that affected the way I look at relationships and love?
Sure I’ve seen my grandparents together, and I’ve watched movies where the main character falls in love and they end up happily ever after. I grew up on fairy tales and believing that my prince charming would find me one day. I always thought I’d be the wife that brought my husband lunch at work, I’d be pulling chocolate chip cookies out of the oven right when he walked in the door, and the football mom who drove a nice SUV (never a minivan, those things are terrible). I wanted that typical white picket fence type of love. But then I started growing up and realizing that love isn’t always enough to keep two people together. Someone falls out of love, hearts are broken, life changes unexpectedly, and people move on. I never thought it would be like that for me though. (Like I said, fairy tales.)
I just wonder if seeing failed relationships throughout my life made me weaker or stronger when it comes to my own relationships. All I’ve wanted is to have the storybook type of love and passion, maybe I was too willing. Maybe I spent too much time trying to make it work with someone when deep down, I knew they weren’t my happy ending. Maybe I’m so afraid that someone will walk away from me that I’m willing to let go of things that would be deal breakers just so I won’t be alone. But at the same time, maybe I’ve become so cynical that I don’t believe words anymore. I wait for the actions to prove how someone feels. I’m so used to being hurt and seeing people get hurt that I don’t allow myself to get close to someone anymore in the anticipation that they will soon leave.
It’s tough because I see both sides. It’s a constant battle internally between wanting to give love another shot because I want that happy ending and shutting myself off from love entirely because I’m too afraid of getting hurt. But I have promised myself that I will protect my heart until the right person shows up and is willing to be patient with me and prove that love is real.
Maybe one day I’ll have my happy ending. But I’m not holding my breath or waiting for that day. I’m continuing to live my life, to do things that make me happy, remaining independent, and sleeping in the middle of the bed. And if my prince charming doesn’t come around, I’ll create my happy ending in my own fairy tale.
Just how lucky am I? This is my office. This is my view. Every single day. Sometimes I forget just how truly lucky I am to have the job that I have. I feel so blessed to be flying all over the world with the most amazing people.