The Jet d’Eau
The Jet d’Eau
I’m twenty three years old, and I finally figured out just how much I’m worth. Want to know just how much I’m worth? Well, you’re going to have to wait until the end of this post.
I’ve always wondered why I had so many friends growing up, but as soon as I hit my senior year of high school the numbers dwindled. To be honest, I’m still not completely sure why. I understand that people just drift apart, and life gets in the way of friendships. That’s just the way life is, and I’ve accepted that. There are people that I love dearly and I’ll always be there for. It’s amazing to see people you grew up with become amazing, successful adults and finding themselves. I love seeing my friends achieve greatness through social media and even though we haven’t talked in years, I would be there for them in a second if they needed me by their side.
But there’s another group of people that have left me confused and honestly, questioning if I’m a good friend and ultimately a good person. There are the people that I considered friends, at some point of my life, that have taken advantage of my kindness. The people that asked and asked, and I gave and gave without question. But when it was time for me needing love, support, just a friend by my side- no one was there. Eventually I would get so tired of being treated unfairly, I would start distancing myself and the friendship would dwindle down to nothing.
I’ve been doing some evaluating of the current relationships in my life. (Disclaimer: this post is not directed towards anyone in particular!) I’ve been feeling like I’ve been taken advantage of by many people in my life. I don’t know if it was my kindness mistaken as a weakness, or maybe I am just too easy to take advantage of. But that’s changing.
Now how have I been taken advantage of? To me, I’ll do anything to see and spend time with my friends and loved ones. Anything. That includes flying across the country, even the world sometimes, endure crazy hours of flying or driving, spending all 24 hours of my 1 day off for the week traveling and seeing someone. I have no problem doing it because I want to make people happy. I want people to know that I love them dearly and truly would do anything for them and to see them. Granted, my job makes traveling very easy without having to dig too deep in my pockets. If I wasn’t a flight attendant, I wouldn’t be able to travel as much but I would try as best as I could to see people especially during special occasions. But when all I ask for is a ride from the airport, a call when I’ve had a bad day, a hug when I’ve been crying, to drive an hour to spend the night with me because I’m scared of being alone at home, etc. it’s too much to ask. It’s too much for someone that I’ve flown across the country for, to put an hour or two aside to be my friend.
I understand that life happens. I understand that the day I have off may not be a day that my friend has off. I understand that just because I have time doesn’t mean that they do have time. But everyone has five minutes to call and check on someone when they say they’ve had a bad day. Or even to congratulate someone on an achievement. Anyone can spare five minutes. It made me think, am I too much? Am I not a good friend? Am I a bad person? That’s the only thing that made sense- I didn’t have true friends because I wasn’t a good person. And you know what? Screw the people that made me ever question if I was a bad person. I’ve realized that maybe I don’t have time for those people in my life. Maybe I shouldn’t waste my frustrations on those that won’t, or can’t, contribute to the friendship.
I’ll be honest, I know I’m not the easiest person to deal with. I can be down for days and not want to talk or get out of bed. I am a homebody that doesn’t like to go out to parties and drink/dance all night long. That’s not me. I’m the person that normally sees the glass as half empty, even though I’m trying to see the glass as what it is- halfway full. I try not to complain too much. I try to remember my friends’ important meetings at work, their significant others’ birthdays, how their mom is doing after surgery, etc. I’m not perfect. I know I’m not perfect, but I try. I try my best.
How does all of this help me find my worth? Well, I’ve always used the phrase “I deserve”. But maybe we don’t deserve things. Maybe we have to earn them. I know that I’ve earned good friends, that I’ve earned the right to have true friendships in my life. I have been through quite a bit in my lifetime, not comparing to anyone else’s struggles- we all have them. Some of my struggles that I had no control over took me away from what I had worked so hard to achieve. It’s time now to realize that I am a good person.
I’m kind, I’m loving, I’d give the shirt off my back to anyone. I’m the same girl that cried herself to sleep from seeing how some families lived after raising money and donating toys for Christmas when I was 13. I’m the same girl that stayed up all night on the phone with a friend who’s cousin had passed away. I’m the same girl that took her dad to Portland, Oregon just to spend Thanksgiving Day with the family. Now I’m not perfect, but I am good. I am a good friend, I am a loyal friend, I wear my heart on my sleeve, and I continue to love after I’ve been kicked down by the people closest to me.
I’m a good person. I’ve earned the right to be treated like a good person. I’ll never stop trying to be the best person I can be, but I also won’t make excuses for those that can’t realize my worth, that don’t realize that I am a good person.
I won’t settle for those that don’t see me for all of who I am: the good, the bad, the emotional, the caring, the sometimes funny, the most often clumsy, and the young woman who’s finally realized she doesn’t deserve to be treated as poorly as she has been. That’s my worth.
“All I can do is try to protect myself so I never have to feel the same pain twice.”