Sometimes I have a dark day.
A day where I do nothing more than try to sleep as long as possible, stay in bed in the dark as long as possible, and then sit in front of the TV until it’s time to go to bed again. Sometimes when the thoughts are too loud in my head, I do anything to distract myself from the noise. But whenever I have a dark day, I also stay away from people. All people. The people that can read me and know when I am having a bad day even if I pretend I’m okay, and the people who don’t know me at all. It’s scary when I have a dark day- to know that I don’t have energy to live life, to lie and pretend I’m okay. So I just sit there and try to distract myself. I can’t play Solitaire or a game on my phone- my mind tends to wander. I can’t watch anything with a hint of romance or friendship or anything that I feel I’m missing out on. (FYI- good shows to watch: Grey’s Anatomy, 2 Broke Girls, Shark Tank, and Jeopardy).
Sometimes I’ll have the days where even though I know I need to, I can’t convince myself to get up and take a shower. The days where I force myself to take a sleeping pill so I won’t wake up each hour from a nightmare and then spend several hours staring at the ceiling wondering how my life got to be the way it is. The dark day where all I do is cry over the simplest things- an old lady on TV, my favorite pillow fell off the bed and I don’t have the energy to get it. I’ll cry if I have a missed call from my mom, I snapped at someone who was just concerned if I was okay, a commercial about the armed forces.
Those are the days where I am at my worst. The days where I can’t even depend on myself to pick myself up. The days I can’t even fathom living in society. So I hide. I hide and try to do anything to distract myself until it’s nighttime again. I pray that tomorrow will be a better day. That when the sun rises, I’ll wake up and want to try to be happy. I’ll wake up and shower, do my hair and make up, even put on a nice outfit. Maybe I don’t go out that day, but at least I’ve pulled it together a little bit. Or maybe tomorrow will be just as dark as the day before. Or darker even- when I do nothing but sleep or cry.
All I know is that each day is a surprise. I’m lucky to wake up and be breathing. If it’s a good day, I can go about my day and accomplish a thing or two. I can participate in society, I can have conversations, and my loved ones won’t worry. If it’s a dark day, I know how to hide myself away and fight through the darkness to just make it to tomorrow. But I KNOW that I can make it to tomorrow. It won’t be easy, my heart will hurt, but I CAN make it to a better day.
I’m learning that it is OKAY to have a dark day, that it is OKAY to have a good day, that it is OKAY to have a great day. Understand when it’s a dark day, feel blessed to have a good day, and change the world on a great day.