WANT VS. NEED

Have you ever looked back on where you were several years ago when you thought you were happy? When you thought you had everything you wanted and knew exactly what you were going to do for the rest of your life? 

I swore I had it all when I was 17. I had just been accepted into the college of my dreams, I was in a relationship with someone I truly thought I would spend the rest of my life with, and I was working towards the career I had always wanted. Everything was going according to plan. Little did I know, I didn’t NEED any of those things. I COULD have finished school and become a teacher- I would have been in my first year of teaching high school math. I COULD have stayed in that relationship- I probably would have been married with a kid on the way already. I COULD have had everything I thought I wanted and needed. 

Fast forward five years… No college degree, living at home, dating someone new, and just starting a career that I never would have imagined myself doing. 

But you know what? I’m happy. Not happy in the sense that I am completely satisfied with my life, not by a long shot. But I’m happy in the sense that I think I am exactly where I am supposed to be. Everyone tells you that your twenties are your years to travel, find adventure, discover your passions, and learn who you are as a person/ I never thought that applied to me. I thought I KNEW who I was, I thought I already knew what I was passionate about. If you asked me today what I was passionate about, it would take me awhile to think of something.  But I’m having fun finding out! I’ve tried bar tending- turns out you need to really enjoy being soaked with alcohol and actually having upper body strength. (Not my thing.) I’ve tried yoga- way too boring and the idea of turning into a human pretzel in a room that’s 100 degrees isn’t as appealing as it sounds. I’ve tried living the “party girl” lifestyle, but I really don’t enjoy being hungover or surrounded by drunk people. Another reason why bar tending didn’t work out. I’ve tried the whole makeup-obsessed- girly girl thing (don’t get me wrong, I’m GIRLY), but putting two inches of makeup on and taking pictures of myself all day makes me feel a little shallow and vain. (Sorry not sorry.)

But before I sound like nothing sparks my interest! I love baking- cupcakes, cookies, cakes, pies, even fudge. Love it! Especially when it consists of an afternoon listening to old school R&B and dancing while eating the left over batter. (Salmonella who cares?!) I know that I love organizing. For example, my girlfriend was coming out here to visit and didn’t know what to pack. SO my OCD self decided to send her a list of exactly what she needed to bring, what she could leave at home, and what we would get for her once she was here. (A post will be dedicated to my self diagnosed OCD.) But the idea of organizing a closet, planning a trip, alphabetizing a bookcase excites me to NO END. It’s strange and some think it’s boring, but I just love it. My passion for music is something that has never changed though. I could sit and listen to music all day long. I’ve played the piano since I was five, and even though I don’t play as much as I would like to, just feeling the keys calm me and makes me forget about the madness. 

The point to this post is that yes, life will throw you off the path that you thought you needed to be on. You’ll be hesitant or stubborn (like I was) to accept the change. If I’ve learned anything the past few years it’s that the longer you resist the change, the harder life will mess with you, and the harder it will be to get back up on your feet. Accept that maybe what you thought you wanted isn’t what you NEED. Your life is a story, and as much as you’d like to be able to write every chapter the way you’d like, life just doesn’t work that way. So when you get knocked down, take a second, catch your breath, stand up and start going again. Don’t be surprised if life takes you away from what you were working on. It’s up to you to decipher if it’s something you want versus something you need. 

ABOUT

Hi there! I am already so blown away by my family and friends that have read my blog! I’ve been through some crazy times, and I figured the best way for me to navigate through it all is to write it down and share it with the world. I hope that my story can be a reassuring example to others that not everything will go the way we have planned, but everything WILL be okay if keep trying and have the right mindset. Join me on this adventure! 

NEW YEAR .. NEW ME?

So much has gone on in the past couple months of my life and instead of writing post after post, I am going to try to catch you up now.

I went through five weeks of the most INTENSE training to become a flight attendant for a major airline here in the United States and was originally based in Los Angeles. After spending my first month flying all over the US and spending the nights in LA either in my car or a hotel room with a close friend, I finally decided to transfer back home to San Francisco. Here I am, month three and thankfully living back at home with my dad. The job has been so incredibly fun and incredibly frustrating all at the same time. I’m sure more posts will be about my job and I’ll make sure to have a dedicated post for the torture of training I went through.

The other new thing in my life this year is a new relationship. It’s been a very long time since I’ve been in a relationship, and I can truly say I have never been with someone as breathtaking as she is. She is the most amazing, kind, hilarious woman I have ever met. We have so much in common and yet are complete polar opposites. More details to come about her. I’m not quite comfortable releasing her name (or the names of my family members) but I’ll call her GQ for now. She is so supportive with everything I do and understands that my past has molded me to be who I am today. Even though times can be tough and I know I’m extremely flawed, she cares for me as if I’m flawless. I couldn’t possible ask for anything more. All I can say is she makes me so incredibly happy.

I’ve decided to cut out some negativity in my life. Or at least put it up on a very very high shelf that I only have to pull down a couple times a year. I’m trying to be as positive as I can. It might not always work, and I know I will still have bad and dark days, but I know that I am doing better right now.

HOTLINES

Crisis Call Center: (800) 273-8255 or text ANSWER to 839863. http://www.crisiscallcenter.org. Available 24/7.

National Suicide Hotline: (800) SUICIDE or (800) 784- 2433. (800) 442-HOPE or (800) 442-4673. http://www.hopeline.com . Available 24/7.

PLEASE do not hesitate to text, call, or email if you are ever feeling overwhelmed, depressed, hurt, or having scary thoughts. You can change your life, there are people that love you, and everything will be okay one day. Take one step at a time. Make that call.

THE STORY BEHIND THE NAME

So how did I come up with the name Stuck on The Kitchen Floor? Simply put, one night about a year ago I had a complete breakdown that left me crying on the kitchen floor of my very first apartment and I couldn’t get up to grab my glass of wine I had just poured myself. (By no means do I approve drinking alcohol or taking any kinds of drugs when you are in a negative space- I rarely do drink, and I ended up not even having the wine.) It had been such a horrible day, I needed to just cry it out and move forward. There I was- on the floor, crying and thinking about what life meant, why I felt so lonely, not knowing what I was going to do with my life, etc. Little did I know, this breakdown is completely NORMAL for a twenty one year old who is out on her own for the first time.

After a little while, I wiped away my tears and just started thinking about what I could do to change my life. My moment of clarity- a blog! As a joke, I thought of calling it Stuck On The Kitchen Floor since I had been down there for about an hour. I couldn’t possibly be the only person in the world who feels this way, maybe I could write about it and others could give their advice, opinions, their own stories, anything they want to contribute. Maybe I could even reach out and help someone else off the kitchen floor one day.

Just to be clear, if ANYONE ever has a breakdown- please please PLEASE reach out to someone. A friend, a coworker, family. You can even send a message to me or one of the many many hotlines available 24/7. (I have added two hotlines on my page under the category Hotlines.) It’s never okay to be stuck on the kitchen floor, and if you need help, there are so many people that are willing to help you.

INTRODUCTION

I’ve been through so much the past four years and I’ve been meaning to do this for so long, I just haven’t ever forced myself to do it. So here it goes.

Here’s a little background information.

My name is Victoria and I am twenty two years old. Raised in Northern California, oldest of five children, and just stuck trying to figure out who the hell I am, what I want to be, and what kind of impression I want to leave on the world. My parents were never together, my mom married when I was young and had four children (WARNING: they’re the loves of my lives- you’ll hear about them probably every post so if you don’t like funny kid stories, sorry not sorry), and I’m the only child with my dad. I’ve moved all over the Bay Area, but never left home except for three semesters of college in the state of Washington. I didn’t finish school, part of me wants to go back, the other part just worries I won’t be able to finish. (More details to come, every part of my life has some crazy story.) I’m athletic in the I-can-talk-about-sports-go-to-games-wear-the-jerseys kind of way. I used to run track in high school (400m if anyone is that curious). Pretty much the basics about me for now, trust me you’ll learn every little bit of me when I’m finished with this blog.

My goals for this blog is to just express myself and my everyday struggles. You’ll see that I like to call my life  joke (phrase stolen from the amazing and beautiful college roommate Sammy), every day is a joke when you think something so simple would be easy. My life has proven that nothing is easy, and I’m finally starting to figure that out. I do believe I have depression, but I rather not see a doctor or go to a therapist. I want to overcome depression my own way, through writing this blog and hopefully helping someone in any way I can. I’ve always been the kind of person to have an epiphany as I’m writing, hopefully this will be my own form of therapy. Maybe life is not about where you go, but the journey it took for you to get there. So if you’re still reading this, be patient with me. Some days may be good, some may be bad, and some days may just be funny. Who knows. But I hope you enjoy the ride!